Nude Beach

I hate it when my Spidey-Sense is right.

To put it nicely, the movie's not the most appealing I've ever seen. There are no porn goddesses in this flick. And while that's not always necessarily a bad thing, it is here. Barring a few ladies who were, at most, attractive (in the "average woman" sense of the word), there isn't much else for me to recommend.

For a film that purports to have "digital clarity," I sure as hell couldn't find any. The images were grainy (and sometimes just plain fuzzy), with terrible color saturation issues. When the performers look as green as Martians, you're in trouble.

Even the sex is bland, which beggars the question, "How the hell do you make sex bland?!? It's sex! Sex is awesome! Yeah!" It doesn't help that the performers sound bored, unexcited. It was laughable to hear one of the girls command her partner to "fuck her harder" with all the emotional depth and range of Bill Paxton's performance in Twister.

Now, as simple as men are, we're not stupid. Even we can tell when women aren't enjoying themselves.

I might have loved this movie back when I was a horny, inexperienced teenager who stumbled upon his brother-in-law's secret stash, but being a big boy I now know better.

Do I even have to mention that there aren't any extra features? Thought not.

Starring Mariah, Lauren Legends, Brandee, Kat Kleevage, Pamela Peaks, Eva Lux, Liz, Rossanna De La Vega, Vicki Vogue, Luna Blanca, Angelica Maverick, Johnny Saint, Don Hose, Sergio, Cam Shaft, Donovan, Little Dino Bravo, Justin Syder and Mickey Dee.