“Can you please put something more appropriate on?” my partner asked me, as I stood in my g-string bikini waiting to go downstairs to the hotel pool. Mind you, this was the same bathing suit I had been wearing the first five days without comment and we were at a 21-plus topless resort. It suddenly became clear to me that the shame used against me my entire life for my body and my sexuality was just another way to control me. It also suddenly became clear that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was using one of the things I loved the most to hurt me.
This was like a slap in the face, but it was something I needed because it woke me up to the fact that I was basically living a double life. I was someone who tried teaching other sex workers how to be proud of themselves, while simultaneously lying to everyone around me about my job. This disconnect between my beliefs and my behavior is something I’m now certain contributed to my depression. I was acting ashamed of something I wasn’t actually ashamed of doing!
We are living in a time when there are more proud and confident sluts in the world than ever before.
I began reading books written by sex workers to learn more about their experiences. I needed advice, but I had no one I could go to for it. Reading about all the different ways sex workers shed their layers of shame was incredibly inspiring. Suddenly, I had a goal in mind that I could start working towards … helping empower sex workers so that the shame thrown at us rolls right off and never sticks.
The next few years I spent a lot of time going on interviews, and trying to say the things I wish I had heard earlier on in my career. One of the most common pieces of advice that I give sex workers when discussing the stigma that surrounds our industry is that: you cannot be shamed for something you are not ashamed of. If you are confident in your approach to the conversations about our job, people will naturally mimic your demeanor. If you approach the topic with layers of shame behind it, the people you are speaking to will be able to tell.
This is why it is important to make sure your process is something you can be proud of. No matter what you enjoy sexually, there is someone out there who enjoys the same things you do! Stick to doing the things you enjoy sexually, and not only will your job become something you are proud of, it will be the most enjoyable process for you and the people involved! Never forget that in this career, we are making people happy. The beauty of sex work is that you might be the first person your customers feel comfortable sharing their sexuality with. You might be giving a person their first opportunity in life to be their true selves.
You will eventually come across someone in the world who views sex work as negative or harmful. From my experiences, the people with their own personal hang-ups about sex always end up being the most negatively outspoken. How a person treats you is just a reflection of how they treat themselves. Remembering this can lead to some groundbreaking conversations. We were all raised in the same world that demonizes sexuality outside the small window of acceptability, and it is a process to shed all of the layers of shame built up over the years. It even took me quite some time feeling comfortable being naked, or masturbating in front of my partners.
If you’re someone who’s also been through this process, what steps did you take in your life to get there? How can we help the people in our lives become as confident in their own sexuality? We try to teach people that self-love is one of the most important aspects to a healthy life, and I believe that includes loving the sexual, kinky parts of a person as well.
Imagining the future of human sexuality excites and inspires me. I believe we are in the midst of a sexual revolution sparked by the conversation of bodily autonomy. If it is my body, my choice, then that also extends to my sexual choices. The concept of consent is also something that is deeply integrated into bodily autonomy. How many of us were forced to hug family members we didn’t want to hug growing up? We are collectively waking up and educating each other as a society.
We are living in a time when there are more proud and confident sluts in the world than ever before. Sluts who are refusing to let people control us via our sexuality. We won’t even let the labels “whore,” “thot” or “slut” bother us, because we immediately take the words back. As Brooke Candy would say in her song “Das Me,” it’s time to take back the word “slut,” which “…is now a compliment/a sexy-ass female who running shit and confident/Lady who on top of it, a female with a sex drive.”
The stigma that surrounds sex and sex work will only be diminished with the increase in strong, confident sexual beings. Being confident and happy in your sexuality is just one way to make a gesture of defiance against intolerance. Their shame cannot have an impact on you, unless there is shame inside of you.
Ginger Banks is an XBIZ Award-winning cam model, content creator, adult star and sex worker advocate who can be followed @gingerbanks1 on Twitter, @thegingerbanks on Instagram and GingerBanks.ManyVids.com.
