After just getting into a car wreck, I downed a glass of wine after I arrived at my XBIZ L.A. panel in January 2020. I was asked to speak with A-list porn stars while keeping it together in the most packed room I have ever publicly spoken in. I had two options: completely fold under the pressure of being selected as the top cam performer for this panel or keep it absolutely real and be my unconventional self.
For the past five years, I’ve maintained my composure in adult through authenticity. It had taken five years, a car wreck and maybe that glass of wine for Playboy management to approach me after this panel. They congratulated me on my performance and public speaking abilities. Then, they asked to set up a meeting with me to offer an opportunity.
Historically, silver screen starlets have been depicted as damsels in distress. I take wild offense to this, and I wanted to completely bulldoze this misconception while paying the homage they deserve.
I had no idea what to expect, what this meant, what they saw in me and what they would want from me. As an independent performer and cam model, my experience in the industry has been vastly different, yet in some ways, the same as mainstream porn performers. I entered this realm with the excitement to have a sexual experience — the difference is that this experience is with myself.
Fucking is a fickle matter to me. Intimacy isn’t something I loathe, but something I don’t portray on camera with other humans. And I’ve been put in a “she’s not good enough” box for five years. Essentially, this is what mainstream adult companies have told me for the mere fact that I don’t share sex with anyone else other than myself on camera. It has immediately eliminated me from many opportunities. Fortunately, Playboy was the biggest exception. Holly Lynn Ruprecht, associate director of subscriptions for Playboy, asked me if I’d like to join the brand’s family, starting with a set of my choice for Playboy Plus.
In my mind, working with a pro company would entail me having absolutely no control over my subject — myself — for the first time. I’ve always lived by "it’s my pussy, and my choice," and working with a mainstream adult company would mean they would essentially have control over the way my sexuality is portrayed and displayed. For five years, I’ve only had a computer between me and the camera. I’ve done the adult industry at my own pace with complete control over my content.
When Holly indicated this would be my choice, she really meant it, including creative reign over my image and what I wanted to do. First, Playboy suggested something cosplay related. They knew I had completely indulged in the competitive and eccentric world of cosplay porn. But what they didn’t realize was my internal struggle with the idea of pulling off this mask and showing people who I really am.
About a year ago, I had released an independent photoset, and I revealed the subject/theme as something personal and seemingly off-brand to my fanbase, which is used to my pop culture and nerd references. The set had a vintage aesthetic that showcased my insane vinyl collection and vintage Playboy magazines. Little did I know what I had manifested. My first Playboy Plus set curated aspects of the 1960s and 1970 Playboy issues, minus the misogyny. We incorporated my obsession with horror and oddities within the set. I also indicated I found medieval architecture and historical art beautiful. Conceptually, all these concepts were showcased perfectly in the final product.
My first time shooting for Playboy Plus was extremely intimidating for me. I put a significant amount of trust into the crew, but I still felt completely out of my comfort zone, because it was. I was lax about speaking up when I didn’t feel confident, and it was my first time being nude around that many people. The photos turned out better than I could have imagined and ignited a drive within me that captured my confidence and sexuality that I didn’t even know existed.
Around the time of my first set, the idea for a Halloween shoot had already been sparked. I knew they would want something unconventional, and they might even ask for a cosplay set again. I had a completely different idea with a vastly weird approach in mind. When I really dive into the depths of my femininity, I think the most erotic, beautiful depiction of women has always been in the cinema.
Historically, silver screen starlets have been depicted as damsels in distress. I take wild offense to this, and I wanted to completely bulldoze this misconception while paying the homage they deserve. Using Playboy, one of the biggest adult and erotic platforms in the world, I created a concept that historically was frightening, yet beautiful — the power of women. I wanted this set to absolutely terrify while arousing the targeted viewers — men. Every woman that has ever made history has been told “she has beauty and brains,” and for some reason men feel deceived by that.
So, what is a Halloween photoset? Should it be scary? Historically women have been shamed for existing and have been burnt at stakes for merely causing arousal. The power of women is scary, and I find that sexually stimulating. My new Playboy Plus set is a tribute to some of my favorite women, including the controversial Hedy Lamarr. You’ll see facets and inspiration from films like “The Strange Women,” which represents me perfectly. It’s a tribute to one of my favorite filmmakers, Anna Biller, whom I wildly understand and connect with psychologically onscreen in her depictions of women and the ridiculous situations historical films like to portray us in. Also tributed is one of my favorite outspoken women of horror, Tippi Hedren, who spoke out about discrepancies on Hitchcock’s sets. Inspired by my love for Italian Gothic Horror films, Hammer Horror and Noir Film were widely incorporated as well.
Cohesively, the set depicts a powerful seductress who’s in complete control. The photographer, Marcos Rivera, who I worked with on this, watched films that I suggested to understand the concept. He also spent many days preparing the lighting/equipment, so the content would visually look exactly how we envisioned. We incorporated jewelry that was my grandmother’s (the baddest bitch I know), as well as pieces of decor from my own home and collection. We wanted something that would be unique, depicted my individualistic self, and Playboy would absolutely be taken aback from and fall in love with.
This damsel in distress went from wrecked car to Playboy muse, making 2020 my year, personally and professionally.
