Stepping back in front of the comedy lens wasn’t something I was planning for. I was knee-deep in filming “Muse” when I was approached with a script and the idea of a mainstream comeback. It was for a sitcom, set in the world of an adult studio that was facing closure, and I would be the porn star heroine charged with saving it.
I scoffed at first, thinking this would be like any other show about the adult industry, with stereotypical jokes and jabs and that all-too-familiar tale of this dangerous underbelly that Hollywood loves to shove down our throats. But this was different. When I finished the script, I had a smile on my face, and I couldn’t not sign on to do it. Now, I’m living a long-held dream of mine, to walk parallel lines of porn and mainstream, and to do so seamlessly.
I realize I would never be making any return to mainstream if it hadn’t been for adult.
The world is changing. Twenty years ago, there would be no chance a star from a family sitcom would be able to forge a career in porn with success and merit, and there would be even less of a chance for her to find her way back into mainstream again. But this is now my reality. The acceptance and respect that I’ve been given as a result of my performances and projects within the world of adult is inspiring to me, and I hope it’s inspiring to all the young talent out there who have dreams to someday do both. Porn is not a detriment to my resume, but rather something I hold high and proud and something that serves to impress.
This sitcom, "The Big Time," will celebrate the world of porn and its performers and show the industry in a way that it hasn’t been seen in mainstream before. There is no scary dark room where some greasy guy with a dangling cigarette and shorts jerks off as an off-set orgy ensues. This show represents real characters with heart and humanity, which has been my reality in porn. I was brought on as a producer to give the project authenticity and a voice and I can’t tell you what an amazing thing that has been, to share what I know.
Comedic acting is really like riding a bike or putting on an old shoe. The soft leather fits nice, and even the old smell evokes something of memory. Producing, on the other hand, is something I had to get used to. Calling the shots and having such an integral part in the decision-making was new to me, and it was both liberating and terrifying. It’s kept me up nights. Had I made the right decisions in casting? Does the story I recommended jump off the page and make you laugh? Would I be able play all this off? I quickly discovered that I would, and I would thrive on it. And it was the little things. I never knew picking costume designs and a coffee shop where we would film would bring me such a sense of accomplishment and joy, but it has. Being able to help create the world you’re going to play in is a dream for an actor. So much of this has been a dream for me.
I have to keep reminding myself not to take my clothes off, though. Well, at least not all the time. The parts where I show my tits have to be selective and I’ve realized it’s not appropriate to grab coffee in the buff. We may be telling the story of adult entertainment, but we still need to follow the codes and conduct of mainstream. Sometimes I forget that when people are on set, it’s odd to be entirely nude. It’s liberating how porn gives you such confidence to be so naked to the lens, both figuratively and literally. I’m finding that in my performance, I’m so much freer than I was before. Nothing is holding me back anymore. Definitely not my clothing choices or lack thereof.
Going back and forth between doing comedy, and also everything I do for Deeper, which is much darker and more serious in tone, has been great fun. I can play out my most twisted and sinister fantasies in the world of adult with Kayden Kross and Deeper.com, and then be light and funny for “The Big Time.” I’m performing at such opposite ends of the spectrum; it’s been such a welcome and rewarding challenge for me. I find I love swimming in the deep end of both extremes.
As soon as the media storm hit about my return to mainstream, I was asked one question on repeat: Would I be leaving porn now? It was assumed that I would have to. How could an actor do both? But my immediate response was, if you think I have to leave the world of sexual performing to do mainstream, you haven’t been paying attention to anything I’ve been doing so far. It’s funny how the universe works. Since this pilot, several other exciting opportunities have come up. While people forgot about me after “Boy Meets World,” and pigeonholed me, now suddenly the world has great ideas for me. If I had listened to those people who said porn would ruin me, I’d be standing at the back of a long line, still waiting for someone to give me a job that was more than playing a mom on a soccer field. Now, I really feel the sky is the limit. I’m excited about the future and all the possibilities.
This has always been a goal that I’ve been working for: marrying the worlds of adult and legitimate mainstream, without all the stigmas and the controversies normally associated with any project that touches on porn or sex. I realize my case is different, and not everyone would be afforded this walk, but it fills me with such hope for all performers in this industry, that I haven’t been looked down on for what I have done, or berated, or thought of as anything other than accomplished and a success. I wouldn’t accept any other kind of treatment anyway. No one should. If you refuse to bow to these so-called norms, then you’ll never have to bow at all.
I realize I would never be making any return to mainstream if it hadn’t been for adult, and I have such gratitude for that. This industry and my projects in it have forced everyone to see me in a new light. They’ve forced me to see myself that way too. No one in my life before would give me the opportunity for that spotlight, but porn did. For the first time in my mainstream career, I really feel that I’m represented as a full package. No more am I just living in a corner of nostalgia, where they can dust me off and bring me out whenever they want and then put me back again to live in my beautiful wood box in the dark. No more can they write off porn as just sex.
They have to see me for all I’m worth now.
