LOS ANGELES — Advising fans to "take stock of what matters most," Porn.com has released its "enhanced Toilet Paper Calculator" as a tongue-in-cheek parody of current headlines.
According to the company, as communities across the globe race to prepare for more stringent lockdowns and the reality of social isolation due to the COVID-19 outbreak, it is providing a fun and useful tool for riding out the pandemic.
“The new and enhanced Toilet Paper Calculator is available now and was designed to be a more accurate measure accounting for all of our sticky habits in these more stressful times,” said a company rep, who noted that while the public has been bombarded with toilet paper memes and online calculators designed to help gauge how long their toilet paper stocks may last, the developers at Porn.com noticed one glaring omission: toilet paper isn’t just used for pooping.
“Suddenly, the harsh truth settled in and because the scientific community had ignored the ever-important jizz quotient, something had to be done! Immediately, the team’s ‘Sexy Super Science Division’ jumped into action to run the numbers to calculate for this missing variable!” the rep exclaimed. “We’ve had our top men on this one. By harnessing the power of math, and using a little elbow grease, our crack team of researchers has been working hard to crack out real results.”
The calculator features a countdown showing the estimated days remaining based on the values entered. The number of “Wankz” is included along with a range of advanced options.
“We measured the volume of what our experts are calling ‘NUT’ that’s produced in each test. In the end, we can see just how much splooge it will take to break society,” the rep concluded. “As store shelves that were once lined with toilet paper now lay barren, the public can take solace that with the help of Porn.com, they can more accurately measure the impact of cum and the true toilet paper inventory remaining for these periods of isolation.”
Porn.com’s Toilet Paper Calculator is available here.